On the way to Semarang

Here I am.. Alone in the night train heading to Semarang for celebrating my Mid Term Break. This is the first time my solo travelling. I am a little bit nerveous about it, but still I have to carry on.

Well, for me this trip is more than a trip. It's kind of provement to my self that I am brave enough to go by my self because I've never travelled alone before. There's always friends or sister who's accompanied me.

This is the chance for me to know my self in the best way. To look deeper about my self. To know more about my feelings, to learn what I want and what I need. To have a break from a very frustating working place.

I think this is the best moment to travel away from Jakarta. I admitted I created some big troubles to my friends. I realized they must be so upset about me, so do I. I disappointed to my self more than them. But, sometimes I'm just losing the patient and can't handle my emotion. So, I exploded!!

I realized some of my friends thought I'm very rude and doing such a horrible things to them. But, once again I will never do that if they do not set the fire first.

The first trouble that I created was breaking up my friendship with my two best friends whose knowing me more than my other friends. I was so disappointed with her because she's pointing me out that I am one type of those materialistic girls. When I know I'm not!! I used to date a charming guy whose come from a fancy family. I'm really into him, but I realized he's not. While at the same time, her brother introduced me to a nice guy who want to have a serious relationship with me. He did ask me to marry him, but at that time I couldn't make a decision because I know whose my heart belongs to. This was unfair for him if I put him in unclear relationship, I didn't want to hurt him or kind of hang in him. So, I decided to cut him out by telling I'm not ready yet for any kind of serious relationship. I knew I break his heart but it's better to tell him in the beginning.

I felt so guilty to him, I realized I couldn't stuck forever with my crush, because I knew my feeling was getting deeper to him. I was so jealous when I saw him with some other girls. It's kinda annoying when I exactly know that I have no right to be jealous. The worst part was, he's not giving me any respect to all my effort and even my feeling. He just take it as a piece of cake because I'm 100 percents believe a lot of girls out there falling to him. I did all those embaraccing things to him. I gave him a bag as a souvenir for his last day, I did confessed to him about my feeling and the most craziest things was I asked him about his feeling to me. At that night I was so ready to take a rejection from him. I was prepared my self about his answers but he let it hang in. He told me he's sleepy so he want to sleep and didn't give me the answer. I was so angry to him and the next day I didn't speak to him. But he came with another girl that he knew I would get jealous to her. One week later he texted me and said he wanted to meet me and promise will answer all of my questions. So I was waiting for his invitation for the whole week. But he didn't text me. But he hang around with some other friends and having fun without any hesitating.

I'm not getting angry to him because he didn't accept my feeling, I'm angry to him because he's kinda pull in and out and having fun playing about my feeling. And for me that unacceptable. He can not do that to me.

I realized this need to come to an end. And this is the end. If he can not ended it than I'm the one who have to take this responsibilities. So it goes, I texted him that I was so disappointed with his behaviour and didn't reply to any kind of his messages. Weeks later, I remove all his social media because I think it's such a poison for me. I need a break from watching all of his activities outside. I need a break from my self whose always trying to catch his attention.

(Back from Semarang) And I take a solo trip just to refresh my mind. Just to have a break from him. But I'm still thinking about him. Still wondering about him. It's probably will take some times to forget him. Deep in my heart, I still loved him. I still hope our relationship is going to be fine. Well, we don't have that kind of relationship but I hope I can speak to him again. I haven't spoke to him for two months.

Let him go..
I know Allah has someone better for me..
Insya Allah :)